How to ensure you never get published

1. Phone and leave a message asking publisher to phone with their website address.
2. Phone again (especially when publisher is extremely busy) saying you can’t find the submission guidelines on their website. After being given explicit directions where to look, read out everything you can see on publisher's website and say you still can’t find the submission guidelines.
3. Phone again saying you can't find a name to address your submission letter to. Insist you can’t send a letter without someone's name on it after being told not to worry about a name as you are speaking with the person who opens all the mail and reads all the submissions [i.e. you are speaking with the publisher]. After being told again, you don't need to worry about a name, keep insisting.
4. Phone again and leave a message saying, "I called your 1-800 number and someone hung up on me. Could someone please call me back about this?"

Could this be a troublesome author or what? Jim offered to call and say I've been nothing but trouble and he's been wanting to get rid of me for a long time :) It’s a good thing I'm the boss and no one can fire me when I get crabby...